Last week I seemed to get a pretty decent response to the blog post I wrote so maybe I’ll start updating a little but more regularly, in a truly blog-like sense rather than random bits of news about my musical output that appear on a bi-yearly basis. So with that said, this post is more of a “what’s on my mind” type thing. Feel free to skip if not interested.
I mentioned in my last post about being interested in writing some short fiction. I did end up writing a little bit last week (a little over 1000 words) and found myself enjoying it. Its definitely harder and requires a lot more imagination on my part than when I’m writing music. I’m not someone who sits around and daydreams about fantastical worlds or bizarre scenarios, so when I’m trying to write and think about what comes next, it’s very much by the seat of my pants. So far the story involves a man not-unlike myself, thrown into a situation far outside his comfort level. That’s all I’ll say about it for now.
I want to walk a little bit about
motivation will power.
Will power is something that I’ve chronically lacked for a long time. I don’t think it stems from being lazy necessarily, but I think that’s also been somewhat of a factor as the years have gone on. It probably has to do with the underlying depression and anxiety that I live with, which definitely makes most things less appealing, even activities that I enjoy doing. Some days I just feel like doing absolutely nothing, and not in a normal “I’m tired and want to sit on the couch” type of way. It’s more of an existential thing. I don’t feel super depressed lately, but it’s almost like little shards of depression are still present that affect my activity.
I initially wanted to talk about motivation and why I have none, but I realized that I have plenty of motivation and therefore that’s not the problem. I need to lose a lot of weight, and the motivation for that is that I will feel a million times better if I shed a bunch of pounds, and it will set me up for a brighter future in the long run. I need to start studying for the GRE at some point, with the motivation for that being that I’ll have better job prospects if I complete a grad program (hopefully). There’s lots of things that I have motivation to do, and yet I still put it off and abandon hope at the slightest obstacle sometimes. Its like there’s something inside me shooting my aspirations out of the sky with a rifle.
The only reason I brought this up is that even with this new writing habit I’m trying to form, I can feel the rifleman behind me waiting patiently for me to toss my writing into the air for him to aim at. I can feel the desire in my head and my heart to write consistently, and to finish a story, and if luck would have it, get it published somewhere. It takes hard work and dedication to achieve goals, and I know that, and yet I still struggle to get myself together enough to stick with something for long enough to see some real progress being made. Why am I so complacent? Is it an internal programming problem? Am I just not built the right way? Or is it technology? Am I, like many others, so pacified by the constant stream of media into my eyes and ears, that I don’t feel the need to strive for anything more? God, I fucking hope not.
Today I have some free time between errands, so I think I’m going to try writing a little more in the story. I did 1000 words last time, so I don’t see why I can’t do another 1000 today. If I keep it up, then slowly but surely a story will get written.
On another note, if anyone wants to see a peek at what I’ve been listening to lately, here’s my latest Spotify playlist:
Thank you for listening to (reading) me ramble. I hope I’m not too much of a bummer.
– Shawn ❤